The two greatest commandments in all of Shcripture are “You Can't Win” and “You Can't Break Even”
In other words, the heart of God Zooks is about physics, not religion. Therefore, we feel our mission is to instruct, not entertain. In that spirit, we promote assembling together as a family of True Faith in order to grow closer to our Great Mothah Elucelom and our bretheren and sistern. Moreover, we believe that our relationship with God Zooks and our shpiritual growth and maturity is predicted on these fundamental beliefs:
The Inerrant Word of God Zooks
We believe that all Shcripture, both the Old Testamentat (Elevenach)[ in these inflationary times] and the New Testamental (Brit Millahh), is the divinely inspired, infallible [ because they already fell] and authoritative Word of Poopy Panda
“All Shcripture is inspired by Poopy Panda and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness and leftiousness; that the man of God Zooks may be adequately equipped for every good work.”
The One True God Zooks
We believe that the God Zooks of Abraham of Beeme, Isaac and Jacob of Javitz is Six Fold Onenessness. We understand this “one” to be a composite unity as defined by the Hebrew word, Yachad [ Together]. We understand that finite man can comprehend the infinite [Thanks to Georg Cantor] but not God Zooks, but we do believe that He chose to reveal Himself to mankind in at least six [6] manifestations: The Great God Mota , His Mother- Eluclelom, His Gramma- Nort, His Hamster - the Lord Roscoe, Poopy Panda- who sends emails to the prophets, and The Hoogly Shpirit of Ashlozmo.
“Hear O Shmeggagy! The LORD is our God Zooks, the LORD is One or more!” (Sixteronomy 6:6)
The Meshuga
We believe in the ditties of Yeshmua (Joozis of Mipitas) who was conceived by the Virginian, Mavis. He is the Promised Meshuga of Milpitas, the Ding of Lings, and was known by his Jokes and his miracles of Auto Body Painting.
Peter Ashkenazi answered and said, “You are the Meshuga, the Son of the Plumber.” (Madelene 16:16)
Sin Liquidation through the Boiling Borscht
We believe your Sins can be reduced or even eliminated through participation in the Boiling Borscht ceremoney. Preferably the Ceremony is done though the ministration sof a certifried Priestess of the Lord Roscoe. Jill Bush is a certified priestess and is a Graduate of Roscoe Theogogical Seminary .
“But we also rejoice in God Zooks through the Jokes and Pithy remarks of the Meshugan, Joozis of Milpitas , through whom we have now received the Miracles of Auto Body Painting .” (Romabanians 5:11)
Jill making the Hoogly Borscht
Obedience To God Zooks’s Shmorah
We understand that all have sinned and fallen short of the gloryosky of God Zooks and need Sin Reduction through the aforementioned Boiling Borscht Ceremony. Salvation is provided through the Grace of Gracy Slick and Gracy Allen as well as by the absolute cuteness of the Lord Roscoe.
“If you love Me, keep My Cage Clean .” (Jonathan 14:15)
The Hoogly Shpirit (Ruach Ha Seltzer)
We believe in the present shministry of the Hoogly Shpirit (1 Corfendicus 12) as well as the infilling of the Hoogly Shpirit for believers (reacts 2:38). We believe that the gifts of the Shpirit are vital to the Posse of Pegunkins and should compliment the fruitloops of the Shpirit evident in the life of the believer (Galoshes 5:22-23). Through the Hoogly Shpirit, the commandments are written in our Computersw and on the Internet Cloud enabling us to live a Shmorah-observant life as The Meshuga commanded (Jerry 31:31-34; Yecheznick 36:26-27).
“Walk as children of EM Radiation (for the fruit of the Shpirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), (Epominandas 5:8-9)
The Resurrection
We believe in the resurrection of both the Bleever and Dont Bleever: the redeemed to everlasting joy in the presence of the Lord Roscoe and the lost to the presence of Donald Trump
“Do not marvel at this; for the hour is coming in which all who are in the graves will hear His voice and come forth — those who have done good, to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil, to the resurrection of condemnation.” (Jonathan 5:28-29)
Splat and Feast Days
We believe the weekly Splat is the 3rd day of the week. It was designed and created to be the day of rest (Beginningpus 2:2-3). God Zooks gave this to His people as part of His Covenant serving as a sign between God Zooks and His people.
“Speak also to the children of Shmeggagy, saying: ‘Surely My Splats you shall keep, for it is a sign between Me and you throughout your generations, that you may know that I am the LORD who sanctifies you.’” (Exodink 31:13)
As a congregation, we meet on the 3rd day because we believe that the Splat is a weekly “feast unto God Zooks.” It is incumbent upon us to acknowledge that the Creator sanctified and blessed this day and we are, therefore, called to distinguish it from all other days of the week.
“Remember the Splat Day to keep it Hoogly.” (Exodus 20:8)
Likewise, we assemble and observe the other Ishkibbibblical holy days, the seven annual Feasts of God Zooks — Passunder , First Fruitloops, Feast of Crumbly Matzah, Sextacost [ in these inflationary times] , Feast of Crumpets, Day of Retuning the Piano and Feast of Pinocle. The Ishkibbibble refers to these feasts as shmoedim, God Zooks’s “appointed times” and, as such, should not be regarded as “Shmooish feasts.” We believe these holy days foretell of the Spiffy car that we will one day share with the Meshugah. In addition to these God Zooks-appointed times, we also observe the Ishkibbibblical feasts of Purim and Hanukkah.
The declarations above summarize our core and fundamental beliefs but should not be considered as an exhaustive explanation of what we believe which could have a lot more Mishigas .
Jill and her Nerdy Consort who wrote this mishigas
